Sorting It All Out

My last blog post occured three months ago. The irony of the last entry’s boastful title “I am a Writer” clasps its searing claws around my throat. What does my silence say about me? After all, I AM a writer. And yet, I have not written. Open up my journal; it screams inactivity. My writing is mine – it isn’t an assignment with a looming deadline. Why, then, do I feel guilty about not sharing my thoughts with the few people who read my blog? The shame comes from not following through on a promise I made to myself: to write – to create a gameplan for life – to share my resiliency in an unfair universe – to teach how to seek joy even amidst chaos.

For the last few months, instead of turning to the laptop or pen to sort through my emotions, I have kept them in my head, processing during my long daily walks or my frequent baking episodes. Along the way, I have listened to a gazillion podcasts, mostly Brene Brown’s “Unlocking Us” and Ferne Cotton’s “Happy Place” – seeking connections with others who often feel like my best friends – women who approach sifting through life with passion and curiosity – always working to be a better version of themselves.

2020 has definitely posed challenges, and yet, it has not been the worst year of my life. The silver linings are too great; they outweigh the challenges of the pandemic. The ability to work from home as well as the scheduled fall sabbatical have offered me the gift of time, especially time with my daughter fighting stage four brain cancer. I have had time to walk 4-5 miles a day, seeking the lessons the universe wants me to learn.

Sometimes, the days feel heavy – too complicated with obstacles. I cannot just pop into the retirement home less than a mile from my home to visit my dad. I cannot slip to Indianapolis to have dinner with my son and his girlfriend, and I certainly cannot drive to Ohio to spend the day with my daughter and her fiance. And yet, as I have folded into my thoughts and my heart, I have learned so much about who I am – what I want – where I am headed.

And so, if it took a hiatus from writing – from being extremely social – from a life that used to feel normal – to discover these important parts of myself, then I won’t trade it. I’m still sorting through emotions, especially the fear of what awaits. And yet, I am more sure than I ever have been that I can handle whatever the universe throws at me, especially if I stay in the moment and realize that I have made it through difficult times before.

The greatest gift of the last few months has been the recognition that I cannot truly appreciate and find joy in the small moments of life if I do not expereince the pain and sadness of life. Yes, I am a writer, but sometimes, writers need to take a deep breath, observe and experience life in order to take up their pen again.

I’m joining an open community of writers over at Sharing Our Stories: Magic in a Blog. If you write (or want to write) just for the magic of it, consider this your invitation to join us. #sosmagic
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We Belong Here

“Active Hope is waking up to the beauty of life on whose behalf we can act. We belong to the world.” The wisdom of Joanna Macy, a woman who has lived a lifetime of applying her religious scholarship to six decades of activisim, speaks to my heart – to the spiritual connection I feel with the universe. She doesn’t just whisper her message. Instead, she claims it boldly. Active Hope is waking up. It requires an action – a realization – a call. It demands I listen. My ears, my heart, my soul are hungry for her wisdom.

Because of Active Hope, the vocation of teaching chose me. Because of Active Hope, I build deep freindships with others who also often want to change the world or at least seek to be the best versions of themselves. Because of Active Hope, I mentor young adults outside the classroom. Because of Active Hope, I actively participate in my communities at the local, state, and national levels. Because of Active Hope, I have am deeply connected to and incredibly proud of my adult children.

I AM awake to the beauty of life.

At face value, my interactions with others may seem selfless. I am loyal, and I will do anything to ensure another’s safety, sense of self, and growth. I almost always put my needs aside for another’s. Yet, if one listens carefully, I admit the benefits I receive from these relationships. I often respond to gratitude, “It’s a win-win.” Yes, my familial roots urge me to remain humble, and yet, the “win-win” statement captures the balance received from this Active Hope.

As I lose myself in the service, in acting on behalf of others, life really becomes more beautiful – more joyful. Even amidst the most difficult times of life – the ending of a marriage, the cognitive and physical decline of an aging parent, the magnitutde of the cancer my oldest child battles – Active Hope empowers me with a spiritual understanding. It gently unveils a picture so much larger than myself. In that masterpiece, Active Hope offers me joy in the connections I have with humanity, and ultimately the universe. It reminds me that I belong. It reminds me that we belong to one another.


I’m joining an open community of writers over at Sharing Our Stories: Magic in a Blog. If you write (or want to write) just for the magic of it, consider this your invitation to join us. #sosmagic